God's Blueprint for Marriage By Wayne Mack

It has been a real privilege to be with you this weekend.
We've had a good time together on Friday evening, and then for about six or seven hours yesterday,
and just a really excellent time.
People have been receptive to the word, and I've appreciated that,
and it's good to be with you again this morning.
Now this morning I'm going to be talking to you about marriage, God's style.
I'm aware of the fact that most of you here this morning are married,
so the message will be directly applicable to you.
Others of you would like to be married, or one day you will be married, and so you listen carefully.
Others of you aren't intending to get married,
but there are a lot of other people around you who are married, so you need this so you can help them.
So in one way or another, what I have to say this morning will apply to you.
Those of you who are older in the Lord, you have a responsibility to help others.
The Scripture says in Titus chapter 2 that the older men are to help the younger women,
or the younger men and the older women are to teach the younger women.
So this morning I hope that you'll tune your ears in and hear what God has to say about marriage.
I want to direct your attention in particular to Genesis chapter 2, verse 24 and 25,
and then I'm going to look at what particularly verse 24 has to say.
I want to read beginning at verse 18 so we get the context of that verse.
Scripture says,
And whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name.
And the man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field.
But for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him.
So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept.
Then he took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place.
And the Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which she had taken from the man, and brought her to the man.
And the man said, This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.
She shall be called woman because she was taken out of man.
For this cause the man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
And the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed.
Now, as far as I know, there's only one statement in all of the Word of God about marriage
which is made four times in exactly the same way.
And that one statement about marriage is found first in Genesis 2 and verse 24.
Genesis 2 and verse 24 is repeated in its entire form in at least four places in the Bible.
It's found here. It's found in Matthew 19. It's found in Mark 10. It's found again in Ephesians 5 and verse 31.
It's found in a partial form again in 1 Corinthians chapter 6.
So God is trying to drive home the importance of what he first said in Genesis 2 and verse 24 again and again and again.
What we have in Genesis 2 and verse 24 is God's blueprint for marriage.
God's telling us here what's involved in his kind of a marriage.
He's telling us what's required if we're going to have a marriage that is God's style,
a marriage that brings glory to God and is of blessing and brings fulfillment to us as individuals.
Now, imagine what would happen if you had two contractors or two carpenters who were working on the same building,
but they were working off of two different sets of blueprints.
You'd have one contractor or carpenter who was trying to build a single-story building
and the other had a blueprint which called for a two-story building.
One blueprint called for 10 or 15 rooms and the other blueprint called for 30 or 40 rooms.
Here the one guy would be trying to build his one-story building and the other guy would be trying to put another story on.
They wouldn't be aware that they were building two different sets kinds of buildings
and working off of two different sets of blueprints.
One guy would tear down what the other guy was doing and pretty soon there would be frustration,
there would be bitterness, there would be resentment.
And nothing would really be accomplished until they came to an agreement
that we're going to build this building off of one set of blueprints.
Now, frankly, folks, one of the reasons that there is so much unhappiness in many marriages,
both Christian and non-Christian, and I work mainly with Christians in our Christian counseling center.
We have seven or eight of us there who counsel full-time and more than that who join us
and counsel part-time and we're constantly busy counseling people who are having either problems
in their own personal lives or problems in their marriages or problems in their families.
And so Christians have problems in their families as well.
The divorce rate among Christians is rising as well as the divorce rate among non-Christians.
A lot of unhappy marriages in our land today.
Some time ago a professor at the University of Southern California, he teaches family and marriage there,
took a survey and he discovered that only six out of a hundred couples
were experiencing fulfillment and happiness in their marriage relationships.
Now, I suspect most of the survey was taken among non-Christians
and so obviously the rate of unhappiness would be higher there.
But nevertheless, I know it to be a fact that there are many Christians who have marriages
that are far below the Biblical norm.
They're not experiencing what God wants them to experience in marriage.
And one of the reasons is because the people in those marriages are building those marriages
off of two different sets of blueprints.
The wife has her set of blueprints.
She has one idea of what a marriage ought to be and what she wants out of a marriage,
and she's trying to build a marriage according to that set of blueprints,
and she's trying to get out of that marriage what she wants out of that marriage.
The husband has another set of blueprints.
He's trying to build a marriage according to that set of blueprints
and get out of it what he wants out of it.
And the blueprints don't agree.
And so there is frustration.
There is confusion.
There is conflict, and bitterness, and resentment, and unhappiness set in.
Now, if they're going to have the kind of marriage that will really honor God and bring fulfillment to them,
they've got to come to the place where, in a very specific way,
they choose to build their marriage off of the same set of blueprints.
And I want to suggest that the best, yes, the only set of blueprints from which a couple should build their marriage
is the one which is given by God in His Word.
God is the one who instituted the marriage relationship, and God knows what a marriage ought to be.
And He's told us what's involved in having His kind of marriage in Genesis 2 and verse 24.
He says,
He says,
Now, you may look at that and you may say, well, that's good for young people who aren't yet married,
or that's good for young people who've just gotten married.
But I want to tell you, folks, I've counseled people who are 70 and 75 who are still having problems in their marriages,
and they're having problems in their marriages because they have not adopted God's blueprint.
They're still having problems in the very areas which are described here in Genesis 2 and verse 24.
God says His style of marriage involves, first of all, a leaving.
Secondly, there's a cleaving.
And thirdly, there's a weaving.
The two shall become one flesh.
Now, when God speaks of the importance of leaving, He's, first of all, referring to what I would call a positional leaving.
Before marriage, the Bible says children should obey their parents in the Lord.
But after marriage, a new decision-making unit has been founded.
There is a new authority in that new home.
Scripture says the husband is the head of the home, even as Christ is the head of the church.
And there's a certain sense in which every couple, when they get married, should make a declaration of independence.
In fact, many times I'll have couples actually write out a declaration of independence, declaring their independence from their parents,
because I am aware that one of the greatest problems in marriages is the in-law problem.
I find it coming up again and again where couples are having problems with their in-laws.
They have not really left mom and dad positionally.
Sometimes it's because mom or dad don't want them to leave.
I recently was counseling with a pastor and his wife.
They were about 35 years of age.
They were having some problems in their church.
They were having some problems in their marriage, 35 years of age.
And one of the reasons they were having problems in their church and problems in their marriage
is because they had not left mom and dad positionally.
This 35-year-old man still had a mother who wanted to run his life.
When he got married, a mother planned where they would go on the honeymoon.
She got all the brochures of this place and that place and talked to them about it.
When he took a church, mother came over to look at the parsonage and she went around and she said,
I think it would be good to paint this room this color and this room this color and this room this color.
And she just continued to make decisions for what was going on in that particular home.
She was sticking her nose where it didn't belong.
Now, sometimes it's hard. I know, I've got a 20-year-old.
It's difficult to take your hands off when you've been so involved in rearing those children for that long period of time.
But God says they must leave.
And mothers, one of the greatest services you could perform to your children is to allow them to leave.
And fathers, one of the greatest services you could perform is to allow them to leave
and encourage them to make their own decisions. Don't jump in there.
Don't always be giving advice. Let them make their own decisions.
Let them make their own mistakes. Let them make their own failures.
And if they fail, then as a couple, not the husband or wife individually,
but as a couple they come to you and ask you for your counsel or ask you for your advice.
The Bible says they've got to leave. If they don't leave, there are going to be problems in that home.
But sometimes it's not that the parents are so hesitant to allow them to leave.
Sometimes it's because the couple or one member of the couple isn't ready to leave.
A number of years ago I had a man and his wife come for counseling.
And what had happened in that situation was that the wife had become involved in an adulterous affair.
What she did was sin. It was wrong.
And she told me what was happening in her home.
She said that, again in this case, the fella happened to be the son of a preacher.
And the dad was very wise and very knowing and so forth,
and maybe he had been a little bit too domineering or too pushy in the life of the young man.
It made too many decisions for the young man so that the man wasn't comfortable making his own decisions.
So she married this fella, and something would come up, and they'd get together,
and they'd talk it over, and they'd make a decision.
And then before they'd carry through with the decision, he would go and talk to his dad.
And frequently what his dad thought conflicted with what they thought,
and the next thing the wife knew was that he was going off and doing something other than they had decided.
And she discovered that dad was really running their home.
Well, she lost respect for her husband.
He doesn't follow through on the decisions that we make. He can't make decisions.
He's too indecisive. He's too emotionally immature.
And then along comes a man who seems to be strong, seems to know where he's going,
seems to be standing on his own two feet.
And because of her disrespect for her husband, she's looking for some strong man,
and here this guy comes along who seems to be strong and yet loving,
and she slips into an adulterous affair with this particular man.
Now she was wrong, but her husband was wrong as well because the Bible says,
The man and his wife shall leave father and mother and establish a new decision-making home.
They are responsible before God to make their own decisions,
and many problems arise when that doesn't take place.
If the wife depends too much upon her parents, the husband gets jealous of the parents.
He thinks she's more interested in pleasing the parents than she is in pleasing him.
If the husband depends too much upon his parents, the wife gets jealous and thinks,
Well, he's more concerned about his parents than he is about me,
and that's the context in which all kinds of problems can develop.
So it's important to leave mother and dad positionally.
If you love your children, you'll let them leave. You'll only let them leave. You'll make them leave.
You won't open the door and say, If there are any problems, just run on home to mom and dad. No!
When they've left, what you say to them, if you love them, you hang in there.
You discuss your problems. You stick to it until you solve your problems,
because you're in this thing until death. You do part.
We love you. We'll pray for you. We're concerned about you.
But the best way we could help you is to make you face your own problems and solve your own problems.
The Bible says, A man and a wife must leave mother and father.
But when the Bible speaks of leaving, I think it's referring to a lot more than this positional kind of leaving.
It's referring to what I call a psychological kind of leaving, and this is the most difficult kind of leaving.
In fact, it's possible for a couple to live thousands of miles away from mother and dad and not her left mom and dad.
It's possible for a couple to have parents that are dead.
Your parents may be dead and in heaven, and you still haven't left mom and dad.
I had a 55-year-old man who came up to me after I lectured on one occasion,
and he said, I know now why my wife and I have been having such great problems in our family.
He said, I never left my dad. My dad's now in heaven, but I'm still tied to my dad.
I have never left my father.
You can be psychologically tied to your parents and not even know it's happening.
You see, here's what happens. You have two people who are raised in two different homes.
A man was raised in a home where perhaps the family structure was an authoritarian kind of family structure.
Dad ruled the roost. What dad said was law.
Everybody listened when dad spoke.
And so when he gets married, he expects that's the way it's going to be in his home.
He's going to rule the roost. There's not going to be any discussion. Nobody back talks or whatever.
Dad just speaks, and everybody says, okay, we'll go and do it.
His wife was raised in a more democratic kind of family structure.
Maybe dad was in control, but whenever there was a decision to be made, the whole family sat down.
First mother and dad sat down, and mother and dad talked it over.
And then the whole family perhaps was invited in, and everybody was asked to give his or her opinion on the matter.
And after hearing everybody's side, what everybody had to say, then the decision was made.
And so she comes to marriage, and she expects in this new marriage she's going to have some voice.
She's going to be able to express her opinion. She expects her husband is going to turn to her and ask her for counsel.
Well, they get married, and decisions come up, and she notices that he just begins to pontificate and say,
we're going to do this, we're going to do that. This is not how we're going to use our money.
This is what we're going to do for recreation. We're going to buy this furniture, and so forth.
And she says, what in the world is happening here?
He says, listen, lady, the Bible says I'm the head of this home, and you're supposed to be in submission.
And he begins to preach at her, and frequently he just reads Ephesians 5 to her and puts her back in her place.
I mean, his idea is that he is the authority in this home, and that means he makes the decision, and no one else has that much wisdom.
Well, after a while, she begins to resent that. She says, God gave me a mind too. God gave me some insight.
I know some things as well, and in that context, you have bitterness, you have resentment beginning to form.
What's happening? They haven't left, mom and dad. That's what's happening.
He's still tied to his mother and father. That's the way it was in his home, and that's the way it's going to be in this home as well.
She's still tied to mom and dad. That's the way it was in her home, and that's the way it's going to be here.
And the two people are going to have to sit down and come to the word of God and decide from the word of God what is really biblical.
Now, I've discovered that the understanding that many men have of what it means to be the head of the home is not a biblical understanding.
To be the head of the home doesn't mean the husband is a dictator. It doesn't mean he's a despot.
It doesn't mean his wife's a wallflower. It doesn't mean his wife is his slave.
It doesn't mean his wife doesn't have a good idea in her head. That's not what it means at all.
To be the head of the home means that ultimately the buck stops with him.
But before he ever comes to that place, he does sit down and he gives people an opportunity to discuss and give their opinion.
He recognizes that God gave the wife to him to be his helper, and that she does have insight. She does have ideas. She has a perspective.
She has something to give to him. Ultimately he makes the decision.
But he should never make the decision until he has thoroughly heard what his wife has to say,
because in reality she may have some better ideas than he does.
God gave her a mind. God gave her gifts as well as he.
And so the two of them have to come to the word of God to work out a lifestyle that is not traditional.
So many of our concepts of right and wrong are not biblical, even though we're Christians. They're traditional.
Many people have an idea of what a pastor is that is not biblical. It's traditional.
It's the way it's always been in our churches, but you couldn't support their view from the word of God.
Many people have an idea of what the church is that's traditional, that you couldn't support it from the word of God.
And many people have an idea of what it means to be married, and what it means to be the head of the home,
or what it means to be in submission that is traditional, but it's not biblical.
And we need to come to the word of God to really wrestle with what the word of God has to say, and then to forge out a lifestyle of our own.
The important thing is not was the lifestyle of my parents, or the lifestyle of my wife's parents.
And let me tell you, folks, the lifestyle of my wife's parents and the lifestyle of my parents was quite different.
And at the beginning of our marriage, because I didn't have anyone and my wife didn't have anyone who gave us premarital counseling,
we had some conflicts and we didn't understand what was happening. I do now.
I was a Christian, my wife was a Christian, I was in seminary going on into the Lord's work,
and we had a fairly good marriage, but there were conflicts, there were rubs, there was that sandpaper.
And what was happening was my wife was carrying over into our marriage her parents' lifestyle,
and I was carrying over into our marriage my parents' lifestyle, her parents' attitudes, my parents' attitudes,
her parents' values, my parents' values, her parents' way of doing things, my parents' way of doing things.
My wife was reared in a town, a city. Her father was a lawyer.
He taught law school. They moved in professional circles.
They would go off to the Poconos for two or three months every summer when he was not teaching law school.
They had money to buy furniture, they had money to go here and money to go there.
Her mother had someone who came and helped her do the cleaning.
Carol didn't have to do much of the cleaning herself.
She had someone who helped her do the ironing and so forth.
In her home, the mother never mowed the lawn, the mother never pulled the weed.
Mother didn't do any of those things.
It was therapeutic for Dad to come home after a hard day in the classroom or in the office
and get out there and push the lawnmower around and pull weeds and work in the garden.
He got a kick out of that, and Mother never touched it.
Well, in my home it was completely different.
My parents weren't well-educated people. Mom and Dad never went beyond the eighth grade.
We lived on a farm. There were times when we were very poor, didn't have much money.
My mom and dad seldom have ever bought new furniture.
My mother, to this very day, has a refrigerator in her kitchen that is over 40 years of age,
and that's what she's using.
Now, it isn't that she couldn't afford a new refrigerator now,
but she just isn't into this thing of buying new things because she wants something new.
And the furniture they have in the living room and, in fact, our dining room table and so forth
goes back to before I was born.
Now, my mother got up at sunup, went to bed at sundown, worked as hard as anybody else.
My mother mowed the lawn because we lived on a farm and we men were out in the fields doing work there.
She planted the garden. She weeded the garden. She harvested the garden.
She canned, she cooked, she cleaned, she did this, she did that.
We never went on a vacation. We never took a holiday.
Never took July 4th off Memorial Day or anything else. We just never did that.
It was just another day to work.
I'd get up early before I went to school and work.
I'd come home after school and I'd work till sundown.
My wife didn't know any of that.
And we got married and, you know, my wife didn't get up as early as my mother did
and I'd start to think, well, you know, she's a little bit lazy.
She wasn't much interested in doing a lot of canning or freezing, and my mother always did that.
And I thought, well, man, this is wasteful.
You know, and I, without knowing what was happening, was trying to squeeze her into my mother's mold.
And because she wasn't like my mother, I thought there was something wrong with my wife.
And, of course, while I was trying to squeeze her into my mother's mold,
she was trying to squeeze me into her father's mold.
Her father never made her mother mow the lawn.
Her father never asked the mother to weed the garden.
Her father never asked the mother to can or to freeze or to do any of these things.
And when I would do this, she would look upon me as some kind of an ogre.
You know, Dad never did that.
And so we were having some conflicts.
Well, we decided that we'd have a garden.
And I thought I'd really be big about it and get the garden plowed.
And I plowed it, and then I waited for my wife to go out there and rake it and plant it.
And she didn't do it.
And finally I thought, well, I'll do it.
So I went out there and I planted it, and I thought, well, boy, I've done my job now.
And I waited for her to go out there and weed it.
And she didn't weed it.
And I didn't weed it.
And you know what we had?
We had a weed patch.
We didn't have a garden.
Family backgrounds.
Just a simple illustration, but it happens in so many ways.
In one family, for example, there's a lot of display of affection.
Every time you get together, you slobber all over each other, hug each other.
You know, it's as if you haven't seen each other for five years when you just saw them six hours ago.
In the other family, they're much more reserved and you don't go in for that kind of stuff.
You see, family backgrounds, we're tied to our past families.
And we need to come to the place where we realize, you know, folks, some things aren't right or wrong.
They're just different.
They're just different.
And the husband has to come to the place where he's willing to allow his wife to be somewhat different than he is.
And the wife has to allow the husband to be somewhat different than she is and somewhat different than her father's.
But at the same time, both of them must be willing to compromise.
Both of them must be willing to change.
Both of them must be willing to be flexible.
He dare not dig in his heels and say, this is the way I am and this is the way it's going to be.
And she dare not say, well, if he doesn't like me the way I am, that's too bad.
No, as a Christian, my main concern should be to please my wife.
And if there's anything I can do to please my wife, and my wife likes a lot of smooching, I can change and become a smoocher.
You know, by the grace of God and the power of the Holy Spirit, if that's what she desires, I can become a smoocher.
It's not that difficult, really.
If my wife wants me to talk to her more than I'm talking to her, I can look back and say, Dad didn't talk that much.
He just sat around and grunted every now and then.
I can blame it on that and say, well, she's asking me to be something I'm not. Oh, that's nonsense.
If she wants you to talk to her more than you are, you can learn how to become a better talker.
It'll take time. It won't be easy. I'm not saying these things are easy.
But you see, we have the Spirit in us, the Holy Spirit in us.
We're Christians, and by the power of the Holy Spirit, we can change.
That's what the Christian life is all about, isn't it?
Christians' life is about changing.
And if you're not willing to change, then don't become a Christian, because God wants to change you.
Man, becoming a Christian is a great change.
You pass from death to life, from darkness to light.
And then God begins the process of renovating you and making you like his Son, Jesus Christ.
What a change!
And we ought to be willing to change, to minister to one another.
And if that means leaving family lifestyles, let's leave them.
Unless to leave them would be a violation of biblical principles.
So to have God's kind of marriage, there must be a leaving.
But secondly, the text says to have God's kind of marriage, there must be a cleaving.
They shall cleave to one another.
Now what that's telling us is that the essence of a marriage relationship is commitment.
It's not leave mother and father maybe for 10, 15 years, and if things don't go so well,
then you run out on the situation and you just give up.
No, it's you cleave to one another.
And at the very heart of that word, cleaving, is the matter of commitment.
The basis for a good marriage relationship is not feeling, it is commitment.
You know, in the time of the Scriptures, marriage was really a bargaining process.
When Abraham wanted a bride for his son Isaac, he sent his servant Eliezer down to get a bride.
And you remember how Eliezer came to the well, and there he saw Rebekah,
and he looked over the situation and he said,
Well, let's see, which one of these girls would be the best bargain for Isaac?
And he watched and he saw Rebekah, and something about Rebekah took his eye, what she was doing,
and he liked her attitude and her character.
And then he goes and he talks to Laban, and he says to Laban,
Laban, let me have Rebekah.
And to get Rebekah, the Scripture says he gave Laban a lot of silver and a lot of gold.
He bought her. It was a bargaining process.
A little bit later on, when Jacob wanted Rachel, he went to Laban and he said,
Hey, I'd like your daughter for my wife.
And Laban said, Sure, great, wonderful, but you've got to work seven years before you get her.
Seven years of labor to get the woman. It was a bargaining process.
You work for me seven years, and as pay for your work, I'll give you Rachel.
And of course, after seven years, he woke up and found he had Leah
and had to work seven more years to get Rachel. Fourteen years!
He worked to get Rachel. It was a bargaining process.
And in some cultures today, it's still a bargaining process.
I married two young people from India recently.
And what happened was, back in India, these two Christian young people who were now in the United States
had parents, and the parents got together and struck up a bargain that these two young people in India would get married.
Now, in India, it's the wife's family that has to pay the groom's family.
I guess they want to get rid of her or something. I don't know.
But the wife's family has to pay the man's family.
And there's so much dowry that's given to the man's family to have the young man marry the woman.
Well, that happened. This young man had never met this woman.
He lived in Philadelphia. She lived in Houston.
And so he flew down to Houston, and he met her.
Now, I think he could have had veto power.
But if he really wouldn't have wanted her, he could have said,
Nothing doing. Look for another one.
But, you see, there was some kind of bargain that was struck up.
And we look at that, and we say, Well, isn't that quaint?
Isn't that something? Even in our day, they're still bargaining.
Folks, don't get too snooty.
Because, you see, marriage in the United States is still a bargaining process.
It really is.
Have you ever heard somebody say about somebody else's husband,
She sure didn't get any bargain.
Or, Boy, he really got a bargain.
How did he get her? You know, it's still a bargaining process.
We marry because we want to get something from somebody.
A lot of people marry for those reasons.
Some people marry to escape a hard situation.
They want to get away from Mom and Dad.
That's the payoff.
They want to get away from this horrendous home situation.
And I know of a lot of young people who do that just to escape the tyranny of Mom and Dad.
Some people marry because if I don't marry, other people will think that I'm not wanted.
They think there must be something wrong with her if nobody wants her.
Or there must be something wrong with him if he can't get a wife.
And so a person marries really out of selfish motives.
Or the woman who says, Oh, my girlfriends are married,
and they're just carrying around these sweet little babies and these little barons,
and I just want a little baby so much.
And the only way a Christian should legitimately get a baby is either by adopting or getting married,
so I guess I'd better get married so people are still married to get a bargain.
Or here's a fellow who's champing at the bit.
He has all of these longings, all of these desires within him, and they're just crying out for fulfillment.
And I'd better get myself a wife because I want to express these desires.
I want to fulfill these appetites.
And so he marries to get, to satisfy his appetites and his desires.
Now, folks, I believe when Christians get married, they ought to take the Word of God
and look for somebody who's going to be a biblical husband.
They ought to look for somebody who's going to be a biblical wife,
and a young man ought to examine the young ladies that he's interested in
in the light of what the Word of God has to say a wife ought to be.
And if the young lady, even though she's attractive, beautiful, talented, and all the rest,
does not at least to some extent fit the biblical picture, he'd better stay out of that marriage.
And young ladies, when you're looking around for a man, you ought to take what the Word of God says about a husband,
what a husband ought to be, and you ought to measure that man by what the Scripture has to say.
And if he doesn't show some of those characteristics and qualities now,
don't expect him to show them after you get married.
The best time to prevent problems before you even get married.
But your primary purpose for getting married should never be to get.
If that's true, what makes your purpose for getting married any different
from the non-Christian's purpose for getting married?
Non-Christian men marry because they want to get something from a woman.
Non-Christian women marry because they want to get something from a man.
We as Christians, according to Luke 6, ought to have different standards than non-Christian.
Jesus said, if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you?
Even the sinners and unsaved people do that.
Christians shouldn't marry primarily to get.
Christians should marry primarily to give.
Christians shouldn't marry primarily to get a bargain.
Christians should marry primarily to be a bargain.
Here's a young lady. I think I can serve you with her, Lord.
Together we can exalt your name. Together we can bring glory to you.
I think I'm the kind of man. I think I have the qualities, Lord.
I think I have the strength, Lord, that I can help her to become the kind of woman
that you want her to be. I think I can bring fulfillment to her.
And so a young man ought to get married thinking about how he can minister to that woman,
how he can meet her needs.
That's the first thing on his mind if he's thinking biblically, if he's thinking in a Christian fashion.
And of course a young woman ought to marry for the same reason.
Lord, here's a man with whom I can serve you.
Here's a man to whom I can minister. I can be his helper. I can be his servant.
I can help him to be the man that you want him to be.
So they both marry, not primarily to get a bargain, but they primarily marry because they want to be a bargain.
They want to minister. They want to serve God. And they want to serve the other person.
Now, that brings us back to what I said about cleaving. It involves commitment.
When I married my wife, if I understood what God was talking about in marriage,
what I was doing was committing myself to my wife to be to her the husband that God wants me to be,
whether I felt like it or didn't feel like it.
A good marriage is not based on feelings. Feelings vary.
Sometimes I have a lot of feelings toward my wife, but sometimes I didn't get enough sleep the night before.
And I don't feel so good the next morning.
Sometimes she doesn't treat me the way I want her to treat me, at least the way I think she ought to treat me.
And my feelings aren't that great, but you see, that doesn't have anything to do with it.
How I feel about it doesn't matter. The thing is, I made a commitment first to God.
I promised God when I married her that I would be the kind of husband to her that He said in His Word.
And more than that, I made a commitment to Carol Irwin at that time that I would love her as I love myself,
that I would nourish her, that I would cherish her, that I would love her as Christ loved the Church,
that I would sanctify and cleanse her by the washing of the water, that I would live with her according to knowledge,
that I would give honor unto her, and that I would experience the joys of life together with her regardless of what happens.
Marriage is a commitment.
Now what that means is when we've got problems, I can't even think about getting out of this marriage.
I've made a contract with God and with my wife.
And since there's no way to run away from these problems, I need to hang in there and face them
and discuss them and talk about them and solve them, because it's either solve them or live with them.
And I don't want to live with them, so we'd better solve them.
You see, if there's that kind of commitment, then you don't run from problems.
If you keep running from problems, eventually they pile up so much that you become so dissatisfied
that you think of separation and begin to talk about divorce.
And when that happens, it's because there are a lot of problems back along the way that have never really been discussed
and have never really been solved.
Oh, God says, if you're going to have my kind of marriage, you need to leave mother and father.
You need to cleave to one another.
And then thirdly and very quickly, God says to have my kind of marriage, there must be a weaving.
The two shall become one flesh.
At its most elementary level, when the Bible speaks of weaving, it's referring to sex relations in the marriage relationship.
In 1 Corinthians 6, Paul quotes this phrase, and he uses it in reference to sex relations.
And it's clear in God's very first passage about marriage that sex relations were part of God's plan for marriage.
They're so important that he includes it in the blueprint.
They must leave, cleave, and then they become one flesh.
The Bible says marriage is honorable in all things, and the marriage bed is undefiled,
but it's fornicators and adulterers that God will judge.
But within the context of marriage, sex is holy, it's pure, it's desirable,
it's intended to bring fulfillment and satisfaction and happiness both to the man and to the woman.
It's part of God's plan. Enjoy it. Enjoy it.
That's what God wants within the context of marriage.
But when God speaks of becoming one flesh, he's not simply referring to sex relations.
He's referring to a comprehensive unity.
He's saying that when a man and a woman get married, they're supposed to become one person.
The definition of marriage that I like is this.
Marriage is a divine institution in which a man and a woman totally commit themselves to
and totally share themselves with each other as long as they both shall live.
It's a divine institution. It involves a man and a woman.
They commit themselves totally to.
They share themselves totally with each other as long as they both shall live.
The two become one person.
I have couples that constantly come and they say,
We have nothing in common. And that's a shame.
Because God wants them to have everything in common.
He wants them to be heirs together of the grace of life.
Now, if you're going to have everything in common and really become one flesh, you have to work at it.
It doesn't just automatically happen.
She says, My husband and I have nothing in common.
I says, What have you been doing to try to develop commonalities?
And she says, Well, I'm just not interested in the things he's interested in.
I say, What's he interested in? Well, he's interested in work.
What do you know about his work?
Well, I don't know. I'm not interested in that.
You want something in common with him, then you've got to get interested.
The Bible says, Don't only look on your own interests, but look on the interests of others.
Philippians 2, 4, And esteem others better than themselves.
And if your husband's not doing anything, then you start the process.
Get a book and read up on what your husband does, and then come home and discuss it with him, you know.
Get interested. Find out what he does every hour of the day.
And every hour of the day when he's doing this, this, and this, you spend time in prayer.
And prayer has a way of developing a common interest. You support him in prayer.
What are some of your husband's hobbies? Oh, he likes to fish.
You ever go fishing with him? Oh, no, I hate fishing.
Well, you better develop an interest. He likes to fish. You want common interest?
You really want common interest? Yeah, I want to. All right, ask him to go fishing.
Oh, he wouldn't want me to go with him.
I had a woman tell me that, and I said, How do you know?
She said, Well, he just wouldn't want me to go with him.
I said, Why don't you try it?
She said, Okay. It won't work.
I said, Well, just pretend I'm your husband, and you asked me to go fishing with, if you can go fishing with me.
She said, Well, honey, we just don't have anything that we do together, and I don't like fishing.
But you do. So would you ever go along fishing with you even if I wouldn't enjoy it?
That's the way we go about it sometimes.
All right, I'll be the martyr. I'll sacrifice.
And even though he'll kill me, I'll go along fishing.
I said, Let's try it this way.
And I reviewed to her and said, Honey, you know, I really love you.
Say this to him.
And I just want to be with you.
I just like to be around you.
It would be all right if I went fishing with you because I just love to be with you so much.
I want to spend some time with you.
She went, and she asked her husband like that, came back the next week, and she said, You know what he said?
He said, I'd love to have you go.
Well, you know, what I'm saying is find out what the other person is interested in,
and show an interest in what they're interested in.
You can develop commonalities.
You need to do that to become one flesh.
Now, that's God's blueprint for marriage.
It involves leaving, cleaving.
It involves leaving, becoming one flesh.
If that's God's blueprint, why are so few experiencing it, even Christians?
Even Christians.
Not really united, not really one flesh.
Why?
Well, the basic reason why people aren't experiencing this oneness is because of sin.
It's interesting to notice in Genesis 2 and verse 25 that the Bible says,
The man and the woman were both naked, and they were not ashamed.
Now, that nakedness of Genesis 2 and verse 25 is not just talking about physical nakedness.
It was talking about that.
The man and the woman, the husband and wife, were naked, and there was no shame in the matter.
Eve wasn't ashamed to be naked with her husband, nor vice versa.
But it's not merely talking about physical nakedness.
It's talking about a total openness.
It's talking about a total honesty.
It's talking about transparency.
Eve was able to speak the truth to Adam, to share what she was really thinking,
and Adam was able to be open and honest and transparent with Eve.
There was nothing between them.
There was total honesty and openness, and Eve wasn't trying to hide from Adam,
and Adam wasn't trying to hide from Eve.
Now, it's interesting to notice in Genesis chapter 3, after they sinned against God,
the first thing that both of them tried to do. Do you remember?
They tried to cover up.
They were trying to cover up from God because of their sin,
but I'll tell you what else they were doing.
They were starting to cover up from one another.
Sin causes us to cover up, to hide, to withdraw, to stay away from the other person,
to say, Stay out of my life in these particular areas.
I want to make my own decisions and so forth.
Sin causes you to do that.
By nature, we want our own way.
By nature, we're selfish.
But Jesus Christ died on that cross to forgive us of that sin
and to give us the Holy Spirit so the Holy Spirit could come in us
and help us to put away that selfishness and to stop living for self
and to stop covering up and to start opening up so that we, again, as husband and wife,
may experience that one flesh.
Why is it that many aren't experiencing that one flesh?
They're not Christians.
They've never really come to Jesus Christ.
They don't have the Holy Spirit living in them.
Only the Holy Spirit can help you to have that oneness that the Bible is speaking of.
But then there are some Christians who aren't experiencing it,
and the reason they're not experiencing it is because either they don't understand that's God's purpose
or else they're not committed to it and they're not working on it.
My friends, when you leave, when you cleave and become one flesh, that's marriage.
That's marriage God-styled.
And that's marriage that will bring a blessing to you
and that will make you a blessing to the world.
The world needs to see Christian marriages that have a quality the likes of which no non-Christians have.
And as they see something unique and different about our marriages, they're going to get jealous
and they'll want to know something about the God and the Savior who can do for us what He's done for us.
May God help you and me to see this as a missionary opportunity
as we operate and conduct our marriage according to God's blueprint.
We thank you, Father, for your Word.
Thank you for Jesus, who makes all of these wonderful things possible.
Help people here to examine the leaving aspect of their marriage, the cleaving aspect, and the weaving aspect.
And help us all who are married to repent where we're sinning
and to begin to build our marriages more fully after your blueprint.
For any who are not here, who are here without Jesus Christ,
may this be the morning when your Spirit works and helps them to see that they need Jesus Christ desperately.
We pray in Jesus' name. Amen.