Conflict Resolution in Marriage Part 1 By Wayne Mack This study is entitled Conflict Resolution in Marriage, but it contains biblical principles for the resolution of conflicts in all areas of interpersonal relationships. This study comes in two parts, the first part being on the first side, the second part being on the second side. As you listen to the first part of the study, outline it, and then do the homework suggested at the end of the first study very carefully. Then listen to the second part, outlining it as you listen, and do the homework at the end of the second study. This will ensure maximum benefit from the studies presented on this page. It's a joy to have the privilege of being with you today and sharing with you in your worship service. I came to know your pastor a number of years ago and have appreciated the contacts that I've had with him. A few weeks ago I had the privilege of ministering in your institute on Thursday evenings and got to know a number of you through that. And then we've had some of you who have come to take courses at Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation. And so I consider it to be a real privilege to be here today and next week to share with you something from the Word of God. Now as an introduction for our subject today, I want to direct your attention to James chapter 3 verses 13 through James chapter 4 and verse 2. James 3, 13 through James 4 and verse 2. Scripture says, Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behavior his deeds in the gentleness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit his righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and do not have, so you commit murder. And you are envious and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. Now in James chapter 4 verses 1 and 2, James mentions the matter of quarrels and conflicts and fights and quarrels. And I want to ask you this morning, have you ever experienced what James is talking about? Have you ever had the experience of fighting and quarreling with somebody? Of having a conflict with somebody? Have you ever had a conflict in your marriage relationship? Where you and your wife have had a disagreement? Or where you have had a disagreement with your parents or a disagreement with your children? Have you ever had that experience? Have you ever had the experience of having a disagreement with your employer or with your fellow employees or with your neighbors or perhaps even with church members? So I am sure that every one of us here this morning would answer yes to these questions. For when it comes to the matter of interpersonal relationships, conflicts are inevitable. Now some of you may have more serious conflicts than other people do, and some of you may take your conflicts more seriously than others do. The one thing I am sure of, and that is that all of us, to one extent or another, have had conflicts, disagreements, with other people. And to a large extent our own personal happiness in this world is dependent on how well we face and solve those conflicts. I counsel with depressed people, miserable people, unhappy people, and I have discovered that most of these people who complain of depression and misery have problems in facing and solving conflicts. Now it is true we do have some problems with our environment, and that sometimes is a circumstantial cause of unhappiness. It is true that sometimes we get a little upset about our own limitations. But primarily our unhappiness comes from an inability to get along with other people. It comes from conflicts and disagreements which are unresolved with other people. And to a large extent our usefulness and effectiveness in our occupations are dependent upon how well we can face and solve conflicts. Some time ago a young man of over thirty years of age came to me for counseling. This young man had a college degree, he had a master's degree, he was a very brilliant young man, but he had gone from job to job and now was working at a job which did not require any formal education at all. And the reason he was now working at this job was because he couldn't get along with the other employees, and in spite of his expertise, in spite of his education, he couldn't make it on the job because he didn't know how to face and handle conflicts. To a large extent our effectiveness even in Christian service, in serving Jesus Christ, is dependent upon how well we can face and solve conflicts. I was counseling with an older couple some time ago who had been in the pastorate. The pastor's wife had had a number of nervous breakdowns all the way back to 1955. Periodically after 1955 she'd have another so-called nervous breakdown and she'd go back into a mental institution, have shock treatments, or be given drug therapy or other kinds of therapy. But the problem continued to repeat itself and finally they came to us for counseling. And I discovered as I was gathering some data that every one of this woman's nervous breakdowns coincided with a time when her husband was having a tremendous difficulty in the church. At a time when there were conflicts and disagreements and she and her husband were under attack by the people of the church, at least as they said, she would have her nervous breakdowns. And so their ministry for Jesus Christ has been seriously hampered, not because he doesn't have ability, not because he can't understand the word of God, not because he can't preach the word of God, but because he and she have never learned how to face and solve conflicts. And to a large extent our marital and family happiness is dependent upon how well we can face and solve conflicts. Several years ago I met a young lady who was having a lot of difficulties. She was miserable, a very sensitive young lady. She complained of the mistreatment she was receiving from her parents. She complained of the way that her relatives were mistreating her. She complained of the way that her employers had mistreated her and she too had gone from job to job because she had been mistreated, so she said. She complained of the way her friends mistreated her. She complained of the way that her roommate mistreated her. She complained of the way that her pastor mistreated her and other people in the church mistreated her. And there was a pattern to her life of not being able to get along with people, not knowing how to handle conflicts. And I tried to get her to face this and to acknowledge that she had to deal with her responses and her reactions. She first had to take the log out of her own eye before she could deal with a speck of dust in her brother's eye. She didn't want to do that. And she said, look, what I need is to get married. If I would just get married, everything would be all right. Well a young man came along who was interested in her and all of a sudden the world looked rosy and the world looked bright and everything was wonderful. And so she ceased coming for counseling. They got married. Not too long ago I got a telephone call from her. She wanted to know if she could come back for counseling because she discovered that a year after she got married she was having the same problems with her husband that she had been having with everyone else. And marriage had not been the cure-all. Marriage had not been the solution. In fact, now she was more miserable than ever before. This young lady was experiencing tremendous marital unhappiness because she didn't know how to face and handle conflicts. My friends, when it comes to the matter of interpersonal relationship, conflicts are inevitable. There are many people who think the difference between a good home and a bad home is that in the one home the people don't have any conflicts and in the other home the people have a lot of disagreements. That's not true. The difference between a good marriage, a good family, a good friendship is not that in the one you have a lot of disagreements and in the other you don't have any. The difference is that in the one you have people who know how to face and solve their conflicts and in the other you have people who don't know how to face and solve their conflicts. Now some time ago I read a book by Paul Tournier, a Swiss counselor, which is called To Understand Each Other. And in that book Dr. Tournier says, let us react then against the stupid idea of chance which leads men to imagine that we may hit upon a pearl for a wife as one might apprise in a lottery. Besides, it could be very difficult to be married to a pearl if you did not feel yourself in the same category. What really counts then is the working out together of marital happiness. It's a goal to strive after, not a privilege gained at the outset. And to work it out the ability to understand each other is essential. So-called emotional incompatibility is a myth invented by jurists short of arguments in order to plead for divorce. It's likewise a common excuse people use in order to hide their own failings. I simply do not believe it exists. There are no emotional incompatibilities. There are misunderstandings and mistakes, however, which can be corrected when there is the willingness to do so. Dr. Tournier says, there are no emotional incompatibilities. There is only an unwillingness to face and correct mistakes. And I agree with him. I have people who come to me and they say that we have incompatible personalities. I say, no, no, you don't have incompatible personalities. What you do have is unwilling personalities. You're unwilling to change, and you're unwilling to change, and you're butting heads, because neither of you are willing to really change. I say when it comes to interpersonal relationships, conflicts are inevitable. The Bible makes that very clear. It makes it clear in a number of ways. It makes it clear by the tremendous amount of material that you find in the Word of God about the importance of seeking unity and seeking harmony and solving your conflicts. I did a study some time ago on what the Bible has to say about seeking unity and seeking harmony, and I was amazed to find the abundance of material in the Word of God about this particular matter. The reason God put so much in the Bible about it is because it's important for us to have unity and harmony. And secondly, he put so much about it in the Word of God because it's inevitable that we will have difficulties getting along with other people. Harmony and unity is not natural to us in our fallen state. Harmony and unity among people is not something that just happens. It's the result of effort. It's the result of work. It's the result of handling problems God's way. Now that leads us to a very important question, namely, why are conflicts inevitable? James asked that question in James 4 and verse 1. He says, what's the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Why do you quarrel? Why do you fight? Why do you have conflicts, says James? Well, I believe there are at least three reasons why we have conflicts with other people. First of all, we have conflicts because of our sinfulness. That's what James says. He answers his own question by asking another question. He says, is not the source of your quarrels and conflicts your pleasures that wage war in your members? James says, you're selfish. You want your own way. And that's why you have conflicts and that's why you have quarrels. And then he re-emphasizes that in verse 2. He says, you desire and you do not have, so you commit murder. Oh, you say, I never have committed murder, haven't you? In Matthew 5, Jesus said, whoever is angry with his brother has committed murder. Jesus says that murder is not simply sticking a knife in somebody's back. Murder is being angry with your brother. He's dealing with the attitude that produces murder as well as the action itself. And he says, why do you get angry? Why do you want to hurt that other person? It's because you desire something and you don't get it. The other person doesn't give you what you want. Then he says, you are envious and you can't obtain. There's something you want very badly, but you don't get it. And the result is that you fight and you quarrel. Back in James 3 and verse 16, the Bible says, where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder, there is confusion and every evil thing. James says, if you find confusion, if you find disorder, if you find people who are not able to get along with one another, you'll also find jealousy. You'll also find selfish ambition. Isaiah 53 and verse 6 says, all we, like sheep, have gone astray. We have turned everyone to his own way. The truth of the matter, according to the word of God, is that every one of us are selfish. We want our own way. I have conflicts with my wife because I want my way, and she wants her way, and so we butt heads with one another. That's why Cain had his problem with Abel. Cain was jealous of his brother. He was envious of his brother, and consequently it led to a very serious conflict. That's why the herdsmen of Lot had a problem with the herdsmen of Abraham. The herdsmen of Lot wanted that particular area for their sheep to graze, and here were Abraham's herdsmen with their sheep. And so because they wanted what Abraham's herdsmen had, they began to fight and quarrel amongst them. That's why Jacob and Esau had their problems. That's why they fought. That's why Jacob had to flee for his own life. Esau was out to get him, and Jacob was out to get Esau in another way. And their selfishness, their sinfulness, was the source of these conflicts between Esau and Jacob. And so you can go throughout the Bible finding illustration after illustration of people who had difficulties getting along. And in many of the cases behind it all, when the veneer is stripped away, you'll find selfishness, you'll find sinfulness, you'll find people who are determined to have their own way. Many times in our homes and outside of our homes, we have conflicts because we are sinfully selfish. Secondly, sometimes we have conflicts because of our differentness. We're different. Romans 12 says that we who are Christians are members of one body. And though we are members of one body, we differ from one another. And oh, how we differ from one another. We differ many times in reference to our backgrounds. Take my wife and I for an example. I was raised out in the country on a farm. My father worked from sunup till sundown and after that. My mother worked out in the garden and out in the yard just as hard as any man. As she took care of the flowerbeds, she often mowed the lawn. She weeded the garden. She harvested the garden. She canned it and did all of these things. In my home, my parents were very conservative. We didn't have a lot of money many times and so the furniture that they had at the time of my birth is a furniture they still have now that I'm 45 years of age. I mean, in my home, you don't buy new furniture. What you do is paint the old furniture and put a little more stuffing in it or put a cover over it or something like that. Well, my wife wasn't raised out in the country. She wasn't raised on a farm. She was raised in the city and her father was a lawyer who taught law school for 18 years and they operated among professional people. Now, when her father came home at night, he mowed the lawn. He weeded the flowerbed. Anything that was done outside, her father did. Her mother never pulled a weed. Her mother never pushed a lawnmower. I mean, that was man's work. And besides that, in my wife's home, after you had had furniture for a little while, it was time to get some new furniture and you handed the old furniture on to somebody else who could use it and much of the furniture we got was passed on from her parents. Well, you see, here we are. We get married. And in our first year of marriage, we decide that we ought to have a garden. So I help to dig the garden and plant the garden and after that I go back to my study and expect that my wife's going to pull the weeds. After all, that's woman's work. Well, while I was waiting for my wife to pull the weeds, guess what she was doing? She was waiting for me to pull the weeds. And folks, the weeds never got pulled. We didn't have a vegetable garden. We had a weed patch. You see, we came from different backgrounds. And when it came to the matter of furniture, getting new furniture is much more important to my wife than it is to me. We come from different backgrounds. Now, there's nothing wrong about getting new furniture and there's nothing wrong about keeping old furniture. See, it's not a matter of sinfulness, it's a matter of differentness. Or here's a fellow who was raised in a home where there was a lot of emphasis upon the kind of food that you ate. That's food. In the wife's home, you ate anything that came down the pike and they get married. And he's just sure that you must eat health food and she says, big deal, what differences make? Well, you see, they're different. They have different backgrounds. One may be very frugal. You've got to pay the bills right away. The other one says, oh, what's the big deal, we'll pay for them, whatever. You know, we get that third or fourth notice from our creditors. Those in backgrounds are the source of conflicts. But then, too, sometimes our conflicts are the result of our righteousness. The Bible says in Matthew 5 and verse 10, blessed are they that are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are ye when men shall revile you and shall say, oh, men are of evil against you falsely for my sake. Rejoice and be exceeding glad, for yours is the kingdom of heaven. And so persecuted they the prophets which were before you. Jesus said, if they have persecuted you, me, they'll persecute you. If they've hated me, they'll hate you. And so what he's saying is, there are going to be those times when you take a stand, and rightly so, for righteousness and others are going to oppose you. Now, sometimes children will quarrel and fight with their parents because the parents are right. Cain fought with his brother Abel because Abel was right. Saul fought with David because David was right. The Pharisees and Sadducees had problems with Jesus because Jesus was right. And sometimes as we live in this world and devote ourselves to the cause of Jesus Christ, we're going to have opposition, we're going to have conflicts, we're going to have persecution, because we're doing what's right. These sources of conflict are sinfulness, our differentness, and our righteousness. Now that leads me to the very important question, does the Bible have anything to say about how to handle conflicts? If conflicts are inevitable, if we're going to have them, does the scripture have anything to say about how we can solve these conflicts? Well it has a lot to say about how to solve conflicts, and we're going to look at what the Bible has to say about this today and next week. This morning I want to simply direct your attention to one passage of scripture which lays out the starting point for conflict resolution. Turn with me in your Bibles to Ephesians chapter 2 verses 13 through 16. Ephesians 2 verses 13 through 16. The Apostle Paul says, But now in Christ Jesus you who were formerly afar off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. Now Paul is talking about the fact that we were once far off from God, far away from God. But through the blood of Jesus Christ, his atonement, his work on the cross, we have been brought near to God. But he's not only talking about the fact that we were far off from God, he's talking about the fact that we were alienated or far off from one another. In the context he's stressing the fact that there were two opposing groups who were separated, divided, there was a tremendous barrier between them. And through the blood of Jesus Christ these warring conflicting parties were brought together. Verse 14, For he that is Christ himself is our peace, who made both groups one. These groups that were warring and conflicting with one another, he made them into one. And he broke down the barrier of the dividing wall, a great big barrier between these people. And he broke down that great big barrier by abolishing in his flesh, that is on the cross, the enmity, the warfare between these two opposing groups and between man and God. The enmity which is the law of the commandments contained in ordinances, that in himself he might make the two into one new man. These two conflicting groups into one new man, thus establishing peace. And that he might reconcile them both in one body to God through the cross, by it having put to death the enmity. And he came and preached peace to you who were far away, and peace to those who were near. Now what this passage is saying is that our separation from God is solved through the death of our Lord on the cross. But the passage is saying more than that. It's saying that through the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, conflicts between people can be solved. Jesus Christ can bring conflicting, warring, fighting, disagreeing people together and can give them peace and reconcile them to one another. Folks, I believe with all my heart, because the Bible teaches it, that two Christians can always solve their conflicts whenever they will handle those conflicts in God's way. Two Christians can always solve their conflicts when both of them will handle those conflicts God's way. Scripture says that unity is possible. When the Apostle Paul wrote to the Philippians, there were two women who were having a tremendous problem with one another. One was Euodius and the other was Seneca. And Paul didn't say, well, it's obvious that there's no way of settling this conflict, so Euodius, you might as well move on to another church. Euodius, don't try to have any more relationships with Seneca because it's obvious the two of you have incompatible personalities and you just can't get along. No, Paul says, look, you two ladies can be of the same mind in the Lord. Paul holds out hope and says whatever is keeping you apart can be solved. The two of you can be of the same mind in the Lord Jesus Christ. But I also believe that it's possible in many cases for a Christian to resolve his conflicts even with unbelievers. Scripture says in Proverbs 16 and verse 7 that when a man's ways please the Lord, God makes even his enemies to be at peace with him. And I've seen Christian wives who have gotten their own lives straightened out and get their relationship with their husband improved as they dealt with their own problems as well. And I've seen parents who have had tremendous problems with their children and get their relationship with their children to a large extent straightened out because they've taken the Bible and they've taken Jesus Christ seriously. My friends, here we have the starting point for conflict resolution. Some people think that solving conflicts is a matter merely of learning a conflict solving technique. Now, I intend to give you a conflict solving technique from the Bible next week. I don't believe that the starting point for solving conflicts is a conflict solving technique. I believe the starting point for solving conflicts is a vital relationship with Jesus Christ. I believe that people can have a conflict solving technique and still continue to fight. It's Jesus Christ who works in the heart of a man or woman, subdues their selfishness, deals with their sin problems, brings them into a right relationship with God, and then empowers them by the Spirit to live a new kind of life. Second Corinthians five says, He died for all that they who live might henceforth not live unto themselves, but live for Him who loved them and died for them. For the love of Christ constrains us so that if one died for all, then we're all dead. And through Jesus Christ and through a relationship with Him, I receive new potential, I receive new capacity, and so does everyone who comes to Christ. The Spirit comes to live within us, and He helps us to face issues, to solve conflicts, to deny ourselves, and to serve other people in a way that we never believed was possible. Jesus said, Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God. And I don't believe that we can ever become peacemakers in a biblical sense until, first of all, we've made our peace with God. Jesus Christ is the Prince of Peace. He's the great reconciler who reconciles men to God, and then having reconciled men to God, He sets about the work of reconciling men to one another. Some people think that becoming a Christian, maintaining a relationship with Christ through prayer and Bible study and worship and meditation is impractical, but there's nothing farther from the truth. First Timothy four and verse eight says, Godliness is profitable not only in the world to come, but in this present life. In Mark chapter 10 and verse 30, Jesus said that if you forsake all that you have and follow Me, you will receive in this life a hundredfold and in the world to come eternal life. And frankly, folks, one of the reasons that many of us aren't solving our conflicts in or out of the home is because we're not abiding in Jesus Christ. It's not because conflicts can't be solved. It's not because we don't have the right technique. It's because we're not abiding in Christ. We're not walking with Christ. We're not communing with Christ. We're not allowing the power of the risen Christ to live in us and through us in our relationships. You can't spend time with Jesus Christ and not have it affect the way you live. You can't be rightly related to Jesus Christ and not have it affect the way that you relate to other people. John said, if you love God whom you have not seen and don't love your brother whom you have seen, you're a liar. And the truth is not in you. Your vertical relationship is going to influence your horizontal relationship. And if it doesn't, there's something wrong with your vertical relationship. Today I want to tell you, my friends, that if you've never come to Jesus Christ, the best thing you can do for yourself, the best thing you can do for your family, the best thing you can do for your marriage, the best thing you can do for this world is to lay down the weapons of your warfare and turn to Jesus Christ and ask Him to save you, to forgive you, and to send His Spirit to live in your heart and life that you might be the kind of person that God wants you to be. We have a record at our home. It's a record that touches me as I listen to it. It's a record of a little child singing a song which goes like this. Something's happened to Daddy. He's not the same anymore. Things are different at our house than ever before. Mommy says he's met Jesus, and he's washed Him white as snow. Something's happened to Daddy, I know. I want to ask you dads this morning, has that something happened to you? Have you met Jesus Christ? Has He washed you white as snow? Well, if He really has, then something happened at your house, and you'll never be the same anymore. And you have the starting point for solving conflicts. And what I say to dads, I say to moms. I say to wives. I say to children. I say to employers and employees. The starting point for solving conflicts is to come to Jesus Christ, the Prince of Peace, the Great Reconciler, and allow Him to flood your heart with His Spirit and with His power to enable you to be the kind of person that He wants you to be. One day, I counseled with a teenager who had a history of running away from home. Again and again, she'd run away from home, then she'd come back, then she'd run away. She had a problem with drugs, a problem with drinking, a problem with sex. She came for counseling, and in the course of the counseling, I discovered that at an early age, the dad and this girl had had tremendous conflicts, and the dad would yell at the girl. Then he would ignore the girl. Then he would yell at her. And finally, it came to the place where he said, I don't consider you to be my daughter anymore. I want nothing to do with you. And for a long period of time now, he hasn't even been talking to her. Now, I believe that girl's response has been wrong, and we're trying to work on that. But I believe the dad has been wrong also. There are conflicts between this girl and her dad, and the dad hasn't been facing and solving those conflicts in a right way. And I don't believe that his conflict with his daughter will ever really be solved until that dad comes to Jesus Christ, acknowledges his sin, receives the Savior, and receives the power of the Spirit of God to help him to be different in his relationship with his daughter. Now, that's the first step for conflict resolution. A second step is for you to evaluate the cause of your conflict. If you have unresolved conflicts with your mate, with your children, with your parents, with other people, I want to give you a homework assignment for this afternoon. I want you to go home and do some evaluating. I want you to ask yourself, first of all, am I having these conflicts because of my sinfulness? Is it because I want my own way? Is it because I'm proud, stubborn? If it is, get down before God and ask him to forgive you. The second question I want you to answer is, are you having conflicts because of your differentness? Because you're different in background. You live in a different world. You're different in temperaments. You're different in interests. Could this be part of the reason you're having your conflicts? You're trying to force the other person to be just like you. Well, if that's true, you've got to learn how to handle those differences in a biblical way. And that's part of what we're going to talk about next week. Or, thirdly, are you having these conflicts because of your righteousness? Because you've taken a stand for what's right. Now, be careful that you don't assume that you're suffering for righteousness when in reality you're suffering because you're a nasty person. Just be careful about that. But if after really evaluating and looking at it you are convinced it's because you've taken a stand for what's right, then you're going to have to learn how to handle that suffering in a right way. And that's part of what we want to talk about also next week. Yes, conflicts are inevitable when it comes to the matter of interpersonal relationships. But thank God, he has a way. He really does. He has a way for us to deal with those conflicts. And may God help us then to learn his way and put it into practice for our own good, for the good of our families, and for the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ who loved us and gave himself for us. Let's pray. Our Heavenly Father, we thank you for your love for us and your Son. We thank you for the power of Jesus Christ. We thank you that he can break down the reign of canceled sin. He can set the prisoner free. He can change us inside and outside. He can help us to relate to other people. Forgive us for our pride. Forgive us where we've wanted our own way and been stubborn and resistant. Forgive us where we've tried to make others become just like us and haven't allowed them to be different. And forgive us, our Father, when we've become discouraged and given up when we've taken a stand for righteousness. All work in us, Lord. And help us to learn from the Lord Jesus through the Word how to face and solve conflicts. Thank you for your Word. Thank you for the Holy Spirit. Thank you for the opportunity of being here to learn of you today through Jesus Christ our Lord, we pray. Amen.