How to Overcome Loneliness By Wayne A. Mack

This tape is entitled, How to Overcome Loneliness or How to Make True Friends.
If you're listening to this tape along with the design study guide,
you may find several points on the study guide that are not dealt with on the tape because of a lack of time.
I suggest that you think about these points on your own,
and if there are scripture passages suggested in addition to the ones that are on the tape, look them up for yourself.
However, the tape is complete by itself. Parts of this study are found on both sides of the tape.
There's a gospel song which goes like this,
On life's pathway I am never lonely. My Lord is with me, my Lord divine.
The chorus says, No longer lonely, no longer lonely, for Jesus is a friend of friends to me.
Now that's a beautiful song with lovely words and a pleasant melody, but few people can honestly sing it.
Few people can honestly say, On life's pathway I am never lonely.
Perhaps there are a few who can say, On life's pathway I am seldom lonely,
but it's another thing to say, On life's pathway I am never lonely,
because the truth of the matter is that loneliness is a very common experience.
It's an experience that many older people face, younger people face, rich people face, poor people face,
educated people face, uneducated people face, non-Christians face, and Christians face as well.
The truth is that most of us identify very well with the psalmist who said in Psalm 142 and verse 4,
There is no one who regards me. At times probably most of us have said,
There's no one who regards me. There is no escape from me. No one cares for my soul.
The experience of loneliness is a very common experience.
But more than that, loneliness is also a very painful experience.
It's not a pleasant thing to be experiencing loneliness.
In 1 Kings chapter 19, the prophet Elijah is in great distress.
He's so distressed that he actually asks God to take his life.
Now, Elijah being a child of God would never commit suicide.
But he was not above saying, Lord, you take my life.
And in the context it's clear that one of the reasons why Elijah wanted to get out of this world was because he was so lonely.
Two times in this passage, Elijah says, I alone am left.
He says that in verse 10, and then he repeats it again in verse 14.
Elijah was lonely. His loneliness was a painful experience.
The psalmist's experience of loneliness was also painful.
You read of it in many psalms, one in particular, the one that we mentioned a moment or so ago.
The psalmist said, There is no one who regards me. No one cares for my soul.
He says, Give heed to my cry, for I am brought very low. My soul is in prison.
Here's the psalmist in great anguish, in great distress, because he's experiencing loneliness.
The Lord Jesus found loneliness to be a painful experience.
He found it to be a painful experience in the Garden of Gethsemane.
He took with him three of his disciples and he asked them to watch with him.
Stay here with me and watch with me. It was a lonely time in the life of Jesus.
As he looked forward to the cross and all that was involved in dying on that cross,
a sense of loneliness came upon Jesus and he wanted to have his three most intimate disciples with him.
Of course, they went to sleep.
And he came back and he said, Could you not watch with me one hour?
And then the terrible loneliness of Jesus as he hung on the cross.
And scripture says there on the cross, as God the Father poured out his wrath for our sins upon him,
the Lord Jesus cried out, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?
That was the next to the last statement that Jesus made.
The last was, It is finished, and he gave up the ghost.
And I believe that one of the most painful things about the crucifixion for the Lord Jesus
was the terrible loneliness that he experienced on that cross bearing the sins of his people.
The Apostle Paul knew loneliness to be a painful experience.
In 2 Timothy chapter 4 he says to Timothy, Make every effort to come to me soon.
Timothy, make it quick. Make every effort to come to me soon, Timothy. Why?
He tells us why in verse 10.
He says, For Demas, having loved this present world, has deserted me.
They've abandoned me.
Demas has abandoned me, and not only has Demas abandoned me,
Crescents has abandoned me, and Titus has even abandoned me.
And what he's saying is that for the most part, I'm all alone.
And Paul didn't like that experience.
Loneliness, I say, is a painful experience.
One 14-year-old girl described the pain of loneliness in this way.
She said, As I write this note, my hand is shaking, my eyes are filled with tears,
my heart is aching, I am so lonely.
An older man, this man happens to be a professor in a seminary.
He said, It feels as if there were a big hole in the middle of my chest.
Sometimes it's a dull pain, a listlessness.
Everything is tasteless.
Even that which I most enjoy seems pointless.
Even painful because I respond to it by wanting to share it.
And when I reach out, there's no one there.
So I feel cut off, empty, isolated from the others I need.
Loneliness is a painful, distressing experience.
But then, too, loneliness may be a very destructive experience.
Loneliness seldom visits alone.
Loneliness usually brings with it a number of evil friends.
Loneliness is often accompanied by anger.
Very frequently, when a person is lonely, they're also angry.
Loneliness is often accompanied by depression.
It's often accompanied by doubts.
Doubts about God, his concern, his care, his love.
Sometimes even doubts about the very existence of God and the truths of Christianity.
Loneliness is often accompanied by guilt.
It's often accompanied by self-pity and also by anxiety.
Now, these evil friends often lock arms and strengthen each other in their destructive work.
A person who's lonely becomes angry.
And as a result of this person's anger, he becomes more lonely.
He feels very sorry for himself.
As a result of feeling sorry for himself, he becomes more lonely.
And right around the circle, anger produces depression.
Depression makes a person more angry.
Depression and anger and loneliness and self-pity bring guilt, and guilt brings worry.
And right around the circle, it goes with these evil friends encouraging each other
and bringing destruction to the person who is engulfed in loneliness.
Loneliness is a common experience.
It's a painful experience, and it may be a very destructive experience.
Now, to help us to learn how to handle the problem of loneliness, I want us to consider two questions.
First of all, what are the causes of loneliness?
And then secondly, how should we deal with the problem of loneliness?
One of the causes of loneliness is a deficient relationship with God.
Some people are lonely because they have no relationship with God.
Isaiah 57, verses 20 and 21 says,
The wicked are like the troubled sea, which cannot rest.
There's a restlessness.
There's an emptiness that comes to the person who is without God.
And the truth of the matter is that all unsaved people are without God.
Ephesians 2 and verse 12 says that before a person becomes a Christian,
he's outside of the commonwealth of Israel, and he's a stranger from the covenants of promise.
He's without God, and he's without Christ in this world.
St. Augustine said,
Lord, you have made us for yourself, and our souls are restless until they rest in thee.
And unbeknownst to many people, that emptiness and that loneliness that comes to them
comes because they do not have a vital relationship with the living God.
Some are lonely because they have no relationship with God.
But then, too, some are lonely because they are neglecting their relationship with God.
They have been brought to repentance and faith by the Holy Spirit of God.
But they're not building on that relationship.
They're not developing that relationship.
Scripture says if we walk in the light as he is in the light,
we have fellowship with one another in the blood of Jesus Christ, his Son cleanses us from all sin.
It's only as we walk in the light, it's only as we're transparent, it's only as we're open,
it's only as we're honest, it's only as we walk in obedience and strive to live a life
that is according to the will of God that we have fellowship with the Father.
There are many who are lonely, and their loneliness is simply a revelation of the fact
that they are not really walking in obedience to the will of God.
This is precisely what Jesus said in John 14, verses 21 and 23.
He said,
He who has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me.
And he who loves me shall be loved by my Father, and I will love him,
and will disclose myself to him.
Jesus said, if you want me to disclose myself to you, if you want me to reveal myself to you,
you must walk in obedience, you must keep my commandments.
Obedience is the organ of spiritual revelation.
Jesus said, if you will do my will, you shall know.
God reveals himself, God manifests himself to those who are walking in obedience
and seeking to order their lives according to the scriptures.
In verse 23 of John 14, Jesus said, if anyone loves me, he will keep my word,
and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our abode with him.
We'll come and make our home with him, we'll come and make ourselves real to that person.
And so there are some Christians who are experiencing deep loneliness
because they're neglecting their relationship with God.
But then secondly, some people are experiencing loneliness because of the transiency of life.
The psalmist spoke of the frailty of life and the transiency of life.
James spoke of the transiency of life.
He said, what is your life?
Just like a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away like a puff of smoke.
There it is, and then it's gone.
And because of the transiency of life, we cannot completely avoid loneliness.
People die.
It's said that 25 percent of the population of the United States of America moves every year.
I have friends, neighbors, associates, and one out of every four of them, on the average, moves every year.
That means that relationships are being broken constantly.
And when relationships are broken, obviously there's an emptiness that comes
because someone who was once a very big part of your life is no longer there.
People die.
Fathers die, mothers die, husbands die, wives die, children die.
And when someone with whom you have been so closely identified dies
and there's no possibility of seeing them again in this world,
obviously there's going to be a sense of loneliness.
You just can't escape it.
Then, too, people move from church to church.
I've been back to some of the churches that I once pastored,
and some of the churches that I once pastored have an almost complete turnover.
Not only do non-Christians move, Christians move as well.
And there's this constant state of flux where people are coming and going,
and as a result of that we have that experience of loneliness.
And more than that, people change jobs.
You know, you're working someplace and you get to know someone
and you get in harness with them and you learn to cooperate with them
and then they move on to another job.
And there comes a sense of loneliness when someone with whom you have associated
on an in-depth basis moves.
So part of the reason behind loneliness is simply the transiency of life.
But then, too, loneliness is sometimes caused by our own responsibilities and our own commitments.
Elijah was lonely to some extent because of his responsibilities.
You remember God sent him out into the desert to be alone.
Do you remember that Elijah went to the top of Mount Carmel and there alone
he challenged the priests of Baal.
And then he stood alone before the people of Israel and said,
How long halt ye between two opinions?
If Jehovah be God, serve him. If Baal be God, serve him.
Elijah was thoroughly committed to God. He had heaven responsibilities.
And simply because of his responsibilities and his commitments,
he was not able to be among the people as much.
And because of his commitments, of course, he formed enemies as well.
The same was true with Paul because Paul stood for the gospel.
Because Paul was committed to the truth of God's word,
obviously there were some people who wanted to slay him. They stoned him.
They put him in prison. They cut him off because of his commitment to the gospel.
Some of his loneliness was the result of his conviction and commitment to the truth of God
and to the person of Jesus Christ. It couldn't be escaped.
The same thing was true of our Lord Jesus Christ.
It was because of his total dedication and commitment to God and to the truth
that he ended up on the cross crying, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?
And my friends, I want you to know that if you're a child of God,
there's a certain amount of loneliness that you cannot escape
because of your commitment and convictions about the truth and about the Lord Jesus Christ.
The Lord Jesus said in John 15 and verse 18,
If they hated me, they'll also hate you.
And in 1 John 3 and verse 13, the Bible says,
Do not marvel if the world hates you.
In 1 John chapter 3 and verse 1, the scripture says,
Behold what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us,
that we should be called the children of God, and such we are.
For this reason the world does not appreciate us. The world does not know us.
The world does not want to be our friend.
Because it did not know him.
Now the text says, if you're a son of God, the world will not appreciate you.
The world will reject you. The world will spurn you, even as they spurn the Lord Jesus Christ.
You can't escape it if you're a child of God.
Now we don't go around courting that.
We don't go around trying to encourage that type of thing.
But what the scripture is saying is that if you honestly do stand for the truth and preach the cross,
there's an offense to the cross.
If you stand for God, there are going to be people who withdraw from you,
reject you, ridicule you, and mock you.
And as a result of that, you're going to experience some loneliness.
Because of our commitments, because of our responsibilities, we do experience some loneliness.
But going on, loneliness is often caused by our own sins and failures.
Now what we've been talking about under the transiency of life
and our own responsibilities and commitment is not our fault.
We can't do anything about that.
But there is a kind of loneliness which is our own fault.
It's the result of our own failures and our own sins.
There are some people who are lonely.
I've listed 25 causes of loneliness under capital letter D.
I won't go through all of them because we don't have the time.
I want to simply mention a few of them.
Some people are lonely because they're fearful.
There are people who are afraid to launch out.
There are people who are afraid to reach out.
There are people who are afraid to try to develop friendships because they're afraid of failure.
They're afraid that somebody will reject them.
I know of a young man who, for example, would not ask a young lady out on a date for months
because he was afraid that he would be rejected and he'd rather not have a date than be rejected.
And so because of his fear, he sat at home.
And there are a lot of other people who don't reach out to others
because they're afraid that someone else will not be friendly to them.
Somebody else will reject them.
And so rather than risk rejection, they just avoid people.
There are others who are afraid of being taken advantage of.
You know, if I develop a friendship with this particular person, they're liable to take advantage of me.
And I don't like people taking advantage of me, you know, expecting too much of me.
And so because of their fear of being taken advantage of, which is really just selfishness,
and do you realize that that's what most fear is?
Most fear is just plain selfishness.
That's what 1 John 4, 18, says.
It says, perfect love casts fear.
He who has fear lacks love.
Most of us think of fear being a lack of trust or faith.
Now, it is that.
But according to 1 John 4 and verse 18, the person who is afraid is a selfish person.
The person who is afraid lacks love.
The person who is afraid is thinking of himself.
What are they going to think about me?
What are they going to say about me?
How are they going to react?
And he's all wrapped up in himself.
Love doesn't think about self.
Love thinks about the other.
How can I serve the other person?
What are the other person's needs?
You see, when I came to speak tonight, I could have come thinking,
now those people probably won't be at all interested in what I have to say.
After I'm through, they'll probably meet me at the door there
and give me all kinds of criticism, maybe stone me.
You know, if I thought those kind of thoughts,
obviously I'd become afraid of speaking in front of you.
But rather, if I'd say, wait a minute, God's given me something to say.
God's given me a message from his word.
And if he's given me the opportunity and the message,
then it must be that these people need that message,
and maybe I can be of some help to them.
So Lord, I'm asking you to help me to say something from your word
that will be of help to them.
What's that? That's love.
And as I think in terms of helping you and get to focus off of myself, I lose my fears.
Well, there are a lot of people who are afraid because they're selfish people.
And as a result of their selfishness and their fear,
they never do reach out and develop friends.
Or take the matter of being preoccupied with self.
There are some people who are so preoccupied with self
that they never really develop friendships.
Whenever you're with them, they want to talk about what they've done,
all of their victories and all of their triumphs and their problems
and their difficulties and their aches and their pains,
and on and on they go, talking about themselves.
And finally, people just stay away.
They don't want to be around someone who wants to always talk about themselves
or someone who's always talking about their aches and their pains
and their problems and their difficulties.
And there are people who don't have friends and are experiencing loneliness
because they're preoccupied with self.
Or take the matter of being secretive and quiet.
There are people who are very secretive, I don't want to open up.
None of anybody's business, what's happening in here.
And so they shut up and they clam up
and they're unwilling to be transparent and open.
I have a number of people who have come for counseling
who have acknowledged that they're lonely and they don't have any friends.
And it's amazing how many of them are secretive people.
I don't trust people.
I don't open up, I don't share.
Now 1 John 1 and verse 7 says,
If we walk in the light, what's it mean to walk in the light?
Well, I've already mentioned something of what it means.
But you know, one of the things it means to walk in the light,
it means to walk in openness and transparency.
If the lights were out in this room, you wouldn't see what I'm wearing.
You wouldn't be able to see me.
But you know, since the lights are on, you see me clearly.
So I had to comb my hair and wear the right kind of clothes.
If we walk in the light, if we're open, if we're transparent, if we're honest,
not trying to pull the wool over somebody's eyes,
not trying to pretend that we are something we're not,
not trying to cover up, but if we're open and honest,
walking in the light, exposing ourselves, willing to run a rift,
if we do that, what does John say will happen?
We'll have fellowship one with another.
Now it means we'll have fellowship with God.
That's a prerequisite for our fellowship with God.
We've got to be open and honest.
In the next few verses, the scripture says if we say we have no sin,
we deceive ourselves and the truth is not answered.
If we try to tell God, Lord, I don't have any sins,
and we pretend that nothing's wrong with us, no fellowship with God.
But if we confess our sins, he's faithful and just to forgive us our sins
and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
If you want fellowship with God, you've got to be open and transparent
about your sins and confess your sins.
But the point that John is also making is that if we want fellowship with each other,
we've got to be open and transparent as well.
Friday afternoon and Saturday,
I ministered at a Sunday school convention in the Allentown area.
And after I had lectured to this group,
a woman came up to me and she said,
you know, I want the in-depth kind of fellowship.
I want the in-depth kind of friendship that you've been talking about.
But she said, I don't know of people who are willing to be open with me.
What do I do?
I want to be able to go to people for help and share my problems.
I want to be able to help others, but people won't open up.
And that's tragic.
And I said to her, you've got to be the one who starts.
Somebody's got to start.
But you see, what the word of God is saying is that we need to be open
and transparent with one another rather than secretive.
You can't really come to know me if I won't let you.
You may come to know a caricature of me.
You may come to know an image of me which is not really me.
In 1 Corinthians chapter 2, the Bible says,
who knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of a man that's in him?
You may think you know me, but until I will be honest and open with you,
you can't really come to know me.
You can only come to know me when I will open up and reveal myself to you.
And I must do that if any depth of friendship is to be developed.
And there are a lot of people who aren't experiencing friendship because they're secretive.
They won't open up.
They won't be honest and transparent with people.
They're trying to project an image that isn't really what they are.
You go on through those various sins and failures that are listed there
because every one of them is a major cause of loneliness.
Many people are lonely because of these sins and failures.
Now let's move on to the question, how should we deal with the problem of loneliness?
We've seen some of the causes of loneliness.
Now how do we deal with it?
Well, first of all, we deal with it by accepting the fact that some loneliness is unavoidable.
If you think that you're going to escape from all loneliness in this world,
you're going to be seriously disappointed.
Some loneliness in this present world is unavoidable.
Jesus said in John 16 and verse 33, in the world you shall have tribulation.
James 1 and verse 2 says, my brethren, count it all joy when you encounter various kinds of trials.
Now notice very carefully what James says.
He does not say, my brethren, count it all joy if you encounter various kinds of trials.
He says, count it all joy when?
He's saying, you're going to face all kinds of trials.
Now when they come, and they will, then you count it all joy.
You see what he's saying?
Now in Isaiah 43 and verses 1 and 2, these are two tremendous verses of scripture.
God says to his people, now thus says the Lord your creator, he who formed you,
do not fear for I have redeemed you, I have called you by my name, you are mine.
And then in verse 2 he says, when you pass through the waters I will be with you.
When you pass through the rivers, they will not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you.
Now the fires, the rivers, the water, of which Isaiah 43 and verse 2 is speaking,
may be literal waters and fire and floods, but they may also be figurative.
But the point I want you to see is that God says to those whom he has redeemed,
to those who belong to him, when this happens to you, I'll be with you.
Now notice he doesn't say if it happens to you, he says when it happens to you.
Loneliness in this present evil world is unavoidable.
Some of us will experience much loneliness, others will experience some,
but all will experience loneliness.
For some time my wife has had the opportunity to counsel with a woman
who had been married for fifty years to a very wonderful man.
And then this man died.
And obviously that woman was going to suffer some loneliness, and she did.
You can't live with a wonderful man and have a great relationship
and not experience some loneliness when he's taken away.
You get up in the morning and you reach over and he's not there.
You get up in the morning and you remember how you used to begin every day by talking to him,
by conversing with him, and he's no longer there to talk to.
You go down and you prepare breakfast not for two but for one,
and you sit down at the table and you look across at the chair and he's not there.
Loneliness. This woman experienced it.
And my wife counseled her with some very practical suggestions about what she should do,
and the woman received a lot of help.
But just about two months ago the woman said to my wife,
You know, I'm still experiencing some loneliness.
And my wife said to her, You're going to have to learn to live with some loneliness.
You'll never completely escape it.
And that's true.
And until we come to that point where we say,
Well, because I'm living in this present evil world I can expect to experience some loneliness,
we can be setting ourselves up for great misery and unhappiness,
except the fact that some loneliness will be unavoidable.
Secondly, recognize that some loneliness may be a beneficial experience.
James 1 says, Count it all joy when you encounter various kinds of trials,
knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.
But let endurance have its perfect work that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
What James is saying is that sure it's painful.
He's not saying whistle in the dark.
He's not saying cheer up and go around laughing and smiling.
No, he's saying, Look, you know that God is doing something real and good in your life through this loneliness.
And because of that, you can accept the loneliness.
It can be a beneficial experience.
God often uses loneliness to stimulate prayer.
People go to prayer when they get lonely.
Oh, God, that's what the psalmist did in Psalm 142.
When no one cared for his soul, a scripture says he turned to the Lord and he began to cry out to God.
And if loneliness drives us to God, then that's a good experience.
Loneliness often encourages meditation and reflection.
It causes us to come back to the Word of God to find out what God has to say about him.
That's what the psalmist did in Psalm 31.
Loneliness often causes us to examine ourselves.
Lord, where do I need to change? Where do I need to improve?
And if it does that, it's a good experience.
Loneliness develops understanding and compassion to other people.
You know, when you're going through loneliness, it helps you to understand somebody else
who's going through loneliness as well.
Loneliness causes us to realize our need for other people.
We can become so independent and then all of a sudden, loneliness settles upon us
and then we are aware of the fact that no man is an island, that we need other people.
But more than that, loneliness provokes us to reach out to other people.
It doesn't only cause us to see our need of other people.
Sometimes it becomes so painful that we can't stand it.
So it forces us out of our homes to be among people.
I know of one lady, for example, who lives all alone.
And because of that, she doesn't do her shopping at a supermarket.
She does her shopping in a little corner store and she goes shopping every day
because at least then she has contact with some people.
I know of another woman down here in Philadelphia.
This is a tragic story, but one day her neighbors noticed that she was no longer going and coming.
And they called the police and the police broke in and they found out that she was sick
and she was taken to the hospital.
She almost died, but God was pleased to spare her life.
And just before she was fit to go back home, the police came and told her,
Now before you can go back home, we're going to have to exterminate the rats and the mice in your home.
And the woman begged them not to exterminate the rats and the mice
because she said they're the only friends that I have.
Now that's tragic, and that woman had just closed up.
But sometimes God allows our loneliness to become so painful that we're forced to reach out to other people.
And then also loneliness may be beneficial because it makes us look forward to heaven.
We don't experience perfect fellowship here in this world.
We don't have a lasting relationship in this world.
It comes to an end at death.
But in heaven there will be no death.
There will be no pain.
There will be no sorrow.
There will be no suffering.
There will be no broken relationship there.
And because of this experience of loneliness,
we should be looking forward to that perfect, lasting kind of fellowship that we have in heaven.
So to overcome loneliness, let's recognize some of the beneficial aspects of it.
And then thirdly, to overcome loneliness, we need to develop an intimate relationship with God.
For those who are not Christians, that will involve repentance and faith in Christ.
We become sons of God through faith in Jesus Christ.
For those who are Christians, it will involve practicing the presence of God.
Dear friends, we need to practice the presence of God.
I know of one man who wanted to develop this relationship with God so much.
They got one of those little timers that women use in the kitchen.
You know what I mean?
And he set that timer for 15 minutes.
And every 15 minutes it would ding.
And that would be a reminder to him to think about God and to pray.
And he did this for several weeks, setting the timer for 15 minutes.
And every 15 minutes he would consciously direct his attention toward God.
He was trying to develop a habit of thinking about God, of practicing the presence of God.
Now, that was a pretty good idea.
I'm not saying you ought to do it, but in some way we need to practice the presence of God.
We need to consciously remind ourselves that God is here.
Margaret Clarkson, a single woman, I know that she's over 40, I think she's probably over 50 now,
wrote a book, So You're Single.
And in that book she said,
My loneliness has driven me to seek and to cultivate Christ companionship.
My married friends had no such gnawing need except in a general way.
Without even realizing it, they depended on one another for fellowship.
When that was lacking, they felt lost.
I never, having known such companionship, constantly turned to God for a fellowship
which enabled me to be happily alone anywhere.
And she goes on to talk about how she turns to God and finds companionship in God.
Well, we need to do that whether we're married or unmarried.
We need to practice the presence of God.
Fourthly, if we're going to handle our loneliness, we need to identify and eliminate those qualities,
those actions, those practices and attitudes that promote loneliness.
And I would suggest that you go back to Roman numeral one, capital letter D,
and you go down over that list and you look at yourself and you identify those things,
those qualities, those attitudes, those actions that are true of you, and you make a list of them.
If you're a hostile person, if you're going to overcome loneliness, you need to get rid of your hostility.
If you're too busy, you need to make time to be with people.
If you're too lazy because you're not willing to work at a relationship, you need to stir yourself up to work.
If you're fearful, you need to overcome your fears.
If you're a perfectionist which causes you to push people away because they're not perfect,
you need to get rid of your perfectionism.
If you're officious or pushy, you need to deal with that.
You need to get rid of the negative qualities in your life to overcome loneliness.
But then, very quickly, to overcome loneliness we need to develop those qualities, those actions,
those practices and attitudes that promote deep and intimate relationships.
These qualities and actions are described in Galatians 5, 22, and 23.
The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, meekness, temperance, faith.
And a person whose life is filled with love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, meekness, self-control,
faithfulness, loyalty, trustworthiness is a person who won't have much difficulty making friends.
This kind of lifestyle, these qualities, these actions, these habits are depicted in Jonathan.
I don't have time to turn to the passages in 1 Samuel.
But if you want to know how to develop friends, how to be a friend, look at the life of Jonathan.
Jonathan was committed to David. Jonathan sacrificed for David. Jonathan protected David. Jonathan was loyal to David.
Jonathan was trustworthy. He was faithful. Jonathan protected David.
Jonathan was willing to lay down his own life for David.
So when these qualities that were found in Jonathan, these attitudes that were found in Jonathan are found in our lives, we'll have friends.
So I suggest to you that you do a thorough study of the passages that I've listed there to discover what it takes to be a real friend.
Then, too, these qualities which are necessary for deep and intimate relationships are delineated in the one-anothering passages of the New Testament.
For example, in Romans 12 and verse 10, the Bible says, Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.
If a person knows that you're devoted to them, you're committed to them, you really are concerned about them, it'll draw that other person towards you.
On the other hand, if a person doesn't think you're really devoted to them, it makes it very difficult for that person to relate to you.
But that same verse says, Give preference to one another in honor. That means put the other person ahead of yourself.
Sacrifice for the other person. Encourage the other person. Lift the other person up. That's how to develop friends.
A little bit later on in the same passage, Romans 12 and verse 16, it says, Be of the same mind toward one another.
Over in Romans 14 and verse 13, the Bible says, Let us not judge one another anymore, but rather determine this, not to put an obstacle or a stumbling block in a brother's way.
One of the great hindrances to deep friendships is a critical spirit. You're always complaining, you're always condemning, always finding fault.
The Bible says, Let us not judge one another anymore, but rather judge yourself to make sure that you don't do anything to offend, anything to put a stumbling block in the brother's pathway.
In other words, be genuinely concerned about him. Romans 15 and verse 7 says, Wherefore, accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God.
Communicate to the other person acceptance. Communicate to the other person they're welcome. Communicate to the other person that you've received them.
You're not holding them off at arm's length. You're not being standoffish. You're accepting them. Oh, you don't condone everything they do.
You don't approve of all of the things that they say, but you accept them. If you communicate acceptance, even as Christ has received you, not on the basis of your performance, not on the basis of your work,
he accepted you by his grace. He accepted you freely. And Scripture says that's the way we ought to accept other people.
Well, I don't have time to go through all of these passages, but I suggest you do a study of those passages.
Now, these verses describe for us our responsibilities to other Christians, but they do more than that.
They also delineate the kind of qualities and actions that will produce deep and intimate relationships and help to eliminate debilitating loneliness.
It is my firm conviction, backed up by many examples, that people who suffer from prolonged and severe loneliness are people who are failing in some aspects of one-an-othering other people.
I've never seen it to be different. It is also my firm conviction, based upon many examples, that lonely people can develop deep and satisfying friendships when they continue practicing a one-an-othering ministry to other people.
Now, very quickly, I want to suggest to you that you may improve your one-an-othering ministry and thereby facilitate deep friendships by doing five things.
First of all, do a thorough study of the one-an-other passages of the Word of God. I've only listed a few. There are a lot more in the Bible than the ones I've listed.
As part of your daily devotions for a while, get out of concordance and go through the Bible and write down everything the Bible says about your responsibility to somebody else.
Secondly, having done that, evaluate how you're doing with each of your responsibilities. Write them down, and then alongside of the list, write down how you're doing in terms of always, I always do this, I frequently do this, I sometimes do this, I seldom do this, or I never do this.
Now, the one-an-othering responsibilities that you have evaluated as sometimes, seldom, or never need improvement.
Thirdly, having evaluated yourself, make a list of specific people that you may one-another on a regular basis. All right, let's get it down to where the rubber meets the road.
Now, who are the people that you can one-another on a regular basis? Of course, if you have a husband, it's your husband. You start there. A wife, you start there. Children start.
But then move out from your husband or your wife or your children and make a list of a number of people that you can one-another on a regular basis.
Having done that, go on still further and make a list of 25 to 35 specific ways that you may one-another other people.
For example, write down, I will serve John S. by helping him fix his car. Don't just say, I'm going to serve him. Let's find out how you're going to serve him.
Write down, I will encourage Mary B. by writing a note of appreciation to her to let her know how much I appreciate her cheerfulness.
Write down, I will honor Richard so-and-so by suggesting that he is more qualified than I to get a position and by telling other people about it.
Write down, I will live in harmony with Jane E. by allowing her to plan the program for the women's missionary meeting or whatever.
Okay, she wants to do it. I'll honor her by allowing her to do it and not buck her about it.
I will love Harvey O. by refraining from being sarcastic and answering back in kind.
Will you make a list of 25 to 35 specific ways in which you're going to fulfill your one-anothering ministry?
And then lastly, don't just do that, but go one step further.
And for a period of seven to eight weeks, keep a daily record of how you one another other people.
Every day you sit down and write down specific ways in which you have one another someone else.
Now at the beginning I said that few of us can sing the song On Life's Pathway, I Am Never Lonely.
But I am convinced that if we would follow this biblical plan for developing deep and intimate friendships,
that it wouldn't be long before many of us could say, On Life's Pathway, I Am Seldom Lonely.
I believe God has laid out for us all that we need for life and Godliness,
all that we need to develop our relationship with Him and all that we need to develop deep and intimate relationships with other people.
And if we'll implement the Word of God, we don't have to be overwhelmed by our loneliness,
but we can experience a companionship with God and a very real and deep friendship with other people as well.
May God help us then not merely to hear what He has to say, but to obey it.
And may God help each of us to go to the Word of God and to change where we need to change.
I don't think that any of us have arrived at perfection in the area of one another.
There's always room for improvement. There's a lot of room for improvement in me,
and I think there's probably a lot of room for improvement in you.
And may God help all of us to examine ourselves and then to seek in His power and His strength to make changes for His praise and for His glory.
Thank you, Father, for this privilege of looking into Your Word.
Use Your Word to encourage us.
Help us to see that Your law is a lamp to our feet and a light to our path and that You've given us help.
And along with the directions You give us, You give us the power of the Holy Spirit
so that we can change and we can do and we can be what You want us to be and what You want us to do.
Thank you for Jesus Christ, who makes it all possible through His death, through His resurrection,
and through His session at Your right hand right now, ruling as King and Lord of Lords.
In Jesus Christ's name we pray. Amen.